The wish to subdue

Something that has occurred to me periodically is that my suffering and conflict are often caused by a deep down wish to subdue life.  A desire, in a way, for life to just conclude itself, to end, to get to the full stop…..to cease its unrelenting battery of my attempts at building a lasting self image and success story.  It’s so sad really the way I have turned life into my enemy for long periods, shutting out others and their calls for attention as I doggedly persevere with my conquest over life’s inconstant character, searching for an unfailing lens of wisdom through which to view softened images of life’s ugliness……….but after that pang of sadness, the waters of compassion flow again, the jaw relaxes and furrowed brow smooths, deep breath…..I’m back, a child again.