Hurt II

I try to be my own counsellor and guardian, coming up with a solution. I set to work the instant my defenses have been breached before any sign of damage is visible to the outside world, embarrassed that I am not sufficiently perfect to no longer suffer.  But it is lovely to see, sometimes, that  I can settle for just being hurt and let it be fixed in all kinds of ways that don’t involve my own clever handiwork.  Perhaps the hurt just fades on its own with time or with the kind comfort of someone.  Perhaps, in my vulnerability, the perpetrator can easily see the effect of what they’ve done, and be moved to say sorry and help me repair myself.  Or perhaps I comfort myself too…but one way or another, letting hurt hang around for a little longer than normal and just waiting a bit.

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10 responses to “Hurt II

  1. 🙂 i read your blog everyday.. its been my homepage for about a month now… the reason i love your words so much is because it feels more like myself. or rather, someone who is being so true to themselves that it reminds me more of art than a redundant non duality sermon. it also reminds me how much i love my own art and my own great exploration of this beautiful unknown ❤ thank you… you are so beautiful brother.

    • Hi Taylor…what you say is really very important to me, thank you so much. You know, I’ve resisted writing publicly for so long because there was always this sense that the art was missing….I just could not bring myself to write anything; it all just felt totally second-hand and somehow dishonest.

      What I want most of all out of this is exactly what you have just expressed; for my own freedom to reveal my own art to confirm in the reader that they must do the same for themselves. There is this leap of faith, from truth being something in particular to being anything whatsoever, from being there to here.

      Somehow this just gives something permission to enter into this exploration “without the need for a rear-view mirror”, if you know what I mean. And, as my dad reminded me recently, it is the art that contains the philosophy…the art takes you into the unknown and is its own authenticity.

  2. There are things that I’d like to write and share, poems, stories, thoughts…but there’s a fear that holds me back. A lot of that is to do with fear of being evaluated and of criticism.

    The way I see things at the mo, it seems to take a lot of courage to be open and let others see your inner worlds just as they are.

    Reading your blog is inspiring and although I’m not ‘there’ yet, I feel like it is helping me draw closer to the point where one day I won’t be scared anymore, or that I’ll be able to accept the fear and still be true to the things that wish to express themselves to ‘others’ through ‘me’.

    Even writing this message is a bit scary but I thought I’d take a chance 🙂

    • Hi and thanks so much for writing. That’s it! You’ve started. We all have the same thing in common; none of us are “there” yet…and we’re all here already. You see, here, this life is the best truth we have. This is what is on offer, in a way.

      And it’s very beautiful when you stop trying to live from “there” and start expressing from “your here”. Here, is so much more mysterious because we very rarely actually express what this is like…we very rarely take a look and simply report on this without glorification.

      And strangely enough, the fear that you describe really only comes up when you are expressing from somewhere other than here….when you are expressing from a slightly false position, from a “there position”. In fact, when you just freely express and give yourself the luxury and freedom to do so fully, your position is not really open to attack…simply because you are reflecting life honestly.

      So, you are absolutely “there” by being absolutely, already “here”….you’re more than ready. There is absolutely nothing to lose. All life wants is for you to share what you have and what you see…you’ve made a lovely start!

      • Hello, I really appreciate your reply. I feel an understanding of what you’re saying…by simply being with life, here and now, and expressing what comes as it does, fear is lost. With no attachment to outcome, worrying about what others might think fades away…I see…at least I think I see 🙂

        I’ve been doing this a bit with water colours of late and it’s been so liberating and joyful and at other times not so joyful. But somehow with words, I get a bit tangled up.

        There’s a lovely purity about what you describe, simply living and creating from one’s here. It has the feel of an adventure to me because like you say, it’s something that we don’t often do,

        I keep saying simply but in practice, it’s often difficult to be with what is. At least it is for me. Perhaps it’s the same for all of us (to varying degrees) and that’s what you mean when you say none of us are ‘there’ yet? But at the same time we are because we’re ‘here’, love that! 😀

        Thanks so much for writing back and the encouragement 🙂

  3. Hi again….just something else that I thought of when reading your reply….when we talk of “this” and “here” and these sorts of things….for me, what I mean by this, is exactly what is going on, that’s all….we don’t need to move away from “our personal” position to somewhere we believe will be more accessible to others…the other is always unknown so your best chance of clear expression is by keeping your writing or painting as personal and close as possible…no need to stretch from here.

    We’re so used to trying to communicate for an external-communal position, we forget what it means to express from here. So, when you say “it’s often difficult to be with what is”, you are already successfully speaking from here, describing the state of things. This is not a feeling to be overcome. This is a feeling to be described, painted. This difficulty to be here….this is the truth being expressed. There’s nothing more than this to see. This difficulty is the end-point.

    • Hello,

      I see what you’re saying now about ‘here’ and ‘now’ being literally what’s going on at this moment and nothing more, which would include the difficulty with being present. Hope I don’t sound too pedantic but could this state of being here now also include the ‘past’ and ‘then’ and the ‘future’ and ‘when’? The reason I ask this is because for me, it seems that by being aware, it’s possible to be present and at the same time be thinking about the future or past.

      Maybe I’ve interpreted what you’ve said too literally but I’m also wondering if there is a space for imaginative writing in this way of expression or whether that would be something different? This sounds like a bit of contradiction but can writing truthfully include fiction? Is truthful communication more about expressing yourself without an external audience in mind? Sometimes people I meet or situations I’ve been in inspire me to write but as I do, other images, thoughts and feelings come to mind and these may become part of what I’m expressing. So my response will have veered away, to varying extents, from the original event, whilst still containing it.

      Sorry about all the questions, I’m just curious…

      I’ll think more about whether others can never be known…it’s something that I’ve had contradictory thoughts about for some time…

      Thanks again for writing back 🙂

      • Hi again and it’s great to exchange ideas on this. For me, as I try to push the limits of this, I’m finding that I need to include everything, absolutely everything….or, in another way, anything at all….I remove my obedience and restrictions to being strictly present, or strictly true or strictly real….because this includes it all and to really express, I feel the imagination is very much part of this…the past too, and memories and all of it. This is pure expression, released from any responsibility or alignment. It’s out of control, truly unconstrained. The freedom is at the start, before any of it….you can’t put a foot wrong….see how disobedient you can be with this, if you know what I mean. This is how I feel about it anyway. You’re alive so you’re free, already….so be at liberty to mix this up, blend thoughts, colours, impulses, doubts…there are no rules here…this is right on the edge the thought you might be going to think……:)

      • Well I made a start today, albeit under a pseudonym, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, they’ve helped me to begin. When you said that this is pure expression, an image of space and a sun shining and sending out sun beams endlessly appeared in my mind…perhaps I should delete that last sentence 🙂

  4. Great!….you know, after a little while, it becomes very natural, as it should….and it suddenly seems obvious that this is why we’re here, in a way…..to celebrate this in a totally new way; different from any way that it’s been celebrated before…have fun with it 🙂

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