Pathos

May I let you in, for a moment?  Though I am alone, though there be an unbreakable seal around my world, an impenetrable proximity, loyalty even, between seer and seen, and though I would never let another come between myself and my experience, break this vacuum, may I let you in, at least to have a look?

And though I am in the dark as to how these words are received by you, if I were to say I had a magical moment this afternoon, if I were to say I was in my kitchen (any kitchen will do)…if I were to say I was in my kitchen at about 6pm in a darkening light, feeling not high, not low, feeling just a kind of getting-on-with-it-ness, can you picture this so far?

And suppose I said I was suddenly struck by the sight of a sandstone-coloured wall bathed in sunlight, can you imagine it?…do you know the kind of stone I mean?…and can you see this wall of mine, this patch of sandy stone aflame with colours it had never been before, impossible intense tones yet possible in direct, setting sunlight, only sustainable for a few moments before fading back to stone, do you see this?

And if I said to you, in this open privacy of ours, that in those few moments in my kitchen all the dreary hours of the day that preceded them were gone, that in those moments there was a feeling…ecstasy, is that the word we use?….a feeling of sublimity, a feeling of not wanting to be anywhere else, would this mean something to you as it does, me?

If I said, even, that I had never known anything more exotic than this sunlight on a rainy day against a stone wall in a back garden….that while I have spent my life trying to understand and own the sight of others, that these moment at least, these few seconds were mine, and they were beautiful….can you relate to this?

And even though those few moments are but a memory now, can you relate to that conflicted sense of being alone and yet together in all this, of wanting to share, of wanting to hear “yes” from another place other than here?